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mason wrote: December 5th, 2023, 6:36 am

Skye_rainwear wrote: December 5th, 2023, 4:58 am

mason wrote: December 5th, 2023, 4:48 am Thanks for taking the time to acknowledging my suggestion; much appreciated.

It reads much more easily now.

no problem only fair, any feedback is appreciated

No worries. I'm very happy to help out. Another technique you can use to separate character's dialogue, is begin a new paragraph when they say something. This also helps make it clearer and easier to read.

"Emma, noticing Clare's gaze, smiled knowingly. "You like that one, don't you?" Emma asked. Clare blushed, admitting, "Yeah, it's stunning. But I didn't want to ask..." Emma interrupted with enthusiasm, "No need to be shy, Clare! If there's something you want to try, just let me know. We're here to explore together." Encouraged by Emma's openness, Clare hesitated for a moment before finally saying, "Could I, um, maybe try on that red rainsuit?" Emma's face lit up with joy. "Absolutely! I knew you'd find something you love. Let's make it happen." As Clare adorned the vibrant red rainsuit, Emma noticed her growing interest in each piece."

For example, this becomes:

Emma, noticing Clare's gaze, smiled knowingly. "You like that one, don't you?" Emma asked.

Clare blushed, admitting, "Yeah, it's stunning. But I didn't want to ask..."

Emma interrupted with enthusiasm. "No need to be shy, Clare! If there's something you want to try, just let me know. We're here to explore together."

Encouraged by Emma's openness, Clare hesitated for a moment before finally saying, "Could I, um, maybe try on that red rainsuit?"

Emma's face lit up with joy. "Absolutely! I knew you'd find something you love. Let's make it happen." As Clare adorned the vibrant red rainsuit, Emma noticed her growing interest in each piece.

Hope this helps.

mason wrote: December 5th, 2023, 7:19 am Awesome! I'm looking forwards to seeing the rest. BTW, where do you live?

vp39 wrote: December 5th, 2023, 7:32 am I liked the story.

Skye_rainwear wrote: December 5th, 2023, 7:40 am

mason wrote: December 5th, 2023, 7:19 am Awesome! I'm looking forwards to seeing the rest. BTW, where do you live?

central belt in Scotland

vp39 wrote: December 5th, 2023, 11:32 pm

Skye_rainwear wrote: December 5th, 2023, 7:40 am

mason wrote: December 5th, 2023, 7:19 am Awesome! I'm looking forwards to seeing the rest. BTW, where do you live?

central belt in Scotland

Glasgow?

vp39 wrote: December 6th, 2023, 3:10 pm A good guess! I haven't been to the UK but I've read all of Ian Rankin's John Rebus novels, and he gives what seems an accurate feel of the places Rebus works in and visits, and a couple of other authors as well.
...and I would love to see more of this story; I think you're off to a good start.